


The Battlefield

by Quietlymischievous



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Episode: s01e01 A Study in Pink, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 20:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7237054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quietlymischievous/pseuds/Quietlymischievous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Watson doesn't always understand what is happening to him, but he gets there in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not my characters or dialogue, I just borrowed them for a bit.

Gunfire, there’s always gunfire

It never stops

Man down

I’ve got to get to Smith, he’s been hit!

“Get down!”

Gunfire

White hot

Burning

Pain

“Watson?!?!”

Murray, what happened?

Pain

Pressure

Murray, get off my chest, I can’t breathe 

Something warm and wet soaking through my shirt 

Crimson staining my body armour

Staining the sand

Dizzy

I can’t breathe

Oh, God

Darkness is closing in

PLEASE GOD, LET ME LIVE!


	2. Chapter 2

Darkness then light

It’s so bright

I can’t open my eyes

Tired, so tired

Pain

Everything hurts

My eyelids are incredibly heavy

Sleep, I just want to sleep…

Darkness


	3. Chapter 3

Bright

Hiss, Sigh

Beep, beep, beep

Hiss, Sigh

Steady beeping

Familiar cadence

Not marching, but still something very familiar, mechanical

The smell

I know that smell

So familiar, plastic, antiseptic... hospital?

Tired

Sleep

Darkness


	4. Chapter 4

The sounds again

Hiss, sigh, beep, beep, beep

Pressure

Tightness

My breath caught in my chest

Can’t control it

Rising panic

It’s all wrong

Beeping erratic now

Alarms

Footfalls coming closer… running?

Hands on me

Leave me alone!

Fingers prying one eye open

Bright light

Leave me alone!

Help me! 

Pain… my shoulder… my leg… 

I try to scream but no sound comes out, only furious beeping around me

Alarms

Hands on me, forcing me back into the… bed?

Oh, God

Something warm, burning a trail up my forearm

Sleepy

So sleepy

Dizzy

Darkness


	5. Chapter 5

Cold

Uncontrollable shivering

Help me

So cold

Beep, beep 

The heart monitor

Hiss, Sigh

The ventilator

I want to tell them I am cold, but I can’t speak

My throat is sore, my chest is tight

The rhythm is off, can’t control it

Rapid beeping now

Hiss, sigh, halt, hiss, halt, clicks, beeps, sigh, halt, hiss, alarm

Rapid beeping, alarms

“Calm down, Captain.

You know what it is, calm down.”

Don’t fight the ventilator, breath with it, not against it

In, out, hiss, sigh

Hiss, sigh

The alarms stop

A hand squeezes mine in reassurance

Too bright to open my eyes and look at them

Something warm is moving up my arm again

Sleepy, dizzy

Sleep

Darkness


	6. Chapter 6

“Captain Watson, I want you to relax.

We are going to pull your endotracheal tube.”

Pressure, scraping, gag, cough

Can’t breathe, cough, gasp, gag

Gasp, gasp, breathe in

Pain, Alarms

Help me

“Relax, Captain, and just breathe!”

Gasp, in, out, gasp 

Pain

In, out, in, out

Relax, in, out

Sigh

“Relax, it’s all over. You’re going to be fine.”


	7. Chapter 7

But it wasn’t fine

A round to the shoulder

Shrapnel to the leg

Infection, fever

Nearly died

Possible nerve damage

Hand tremor

Weakness

Pain

Limp

Prognosis… uncertain… too early to tell

Sleep

I wish I could sleep


	8. Chapter 8

Nerve damage

Weakness

Minor improvement with physiotherapy

Prognosis remains uncertain

Pain

Not in my shoulder

My leg

Limp increasingly worse

Cause unknown

Psychiatric consult

PTSD, Depression and Anxiety with Psychosomatic manifestations 

I’m broken

They don’t want me anymore

Can’t perform surgery if you can’t stand and your hand shakes

They don’t want me

Being invalided out

Gave me a medal, a stunning letter of recommendation

And thanked me for the years of service

Don’t want me and my broken body

My broken spirit


	9. Chapter 9

London

I’m back in London

Home

Or at least it used to be

It’s so expensive

Can’t really afford it on an army pension

Found a place in one of the poorer areas of London

A one room bedsit

Within walking distance of my therapist

Good thing it is, I can’t afford a cab now

Asked Harry for help

Yeah, that’s not going to happen, she can’t get her head out of the bottle

God, I wish I could sleep


	10. Chapter 10

Get up

Shower

Make tea and toast

Stare at my gun

Stare at my unwritten blog

Stare at my gun

Go to therapy

Sit in the park

Make tea

Stare at my gun

Nightmares waking me up

God, I am afraid to sleep


	11. Chapter 11

Shower

Stare at my gun

Tea

Stare at my gun

Therapy

It didn’t help

Today is the day

I’m going to do it today

I’ll go home and make tea

Write a note and leave it where they will find it and then end it all

I didn’t even hear Mike when he spoke the first time

I was thinking of my gun and how I was going to die today

I’m useless and worthless

Who’d want me for a flatmate?

“You’re the second person to say that to me today.”

Really, who was the first?


	12. Chapter 12

“Mike, can I borrow your phone?”

Here, use mine

“Afghanistan or Iraq?”

Afghanistan, sorry how did you know?

Meeting him tomorrow to look at a flat

"Seen a lot of injuries then? Violent deaths?"

Enough for a lifetime

“Want to see some more?”

Oh, God, yes!


	13. Chapter 13

You could just phone me, on my phone

“You’re very loyal, very quickly.

Your leg must be hurting you. Sit down.”

I don’t want to sit down

“I imagine people have already warned you to stay away from him.

But I can see from your left hand that’s not going to happen.”

My what?

“Show me.”

I hold my hand up for him to see

“Most people blunder around this city and all they see are streets and shops and cars.

When you walk with Sherlock Holmes, you see the battlefield.”

Who the hell are you?

“Your therapist thinks it is Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder.

Fire her. She’s got it the wrong way round.

You’re under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady.

You’re not haunted by the war Dr Watson. You miss it.”

Oh, fuck!

Ella’s wrong and he’s right!

“Welcome back.”

I do miss it 

I finally feel alive again

“I’m to take you home.”

“Could be dangerous.-SH”

Two-two-one Baker Street, but I need to stop off somewhere first

If I’m going onto the battlefield again I need my gun


	14. Chapter 14

“Come on, John.” 

(Vaults over the railing, runs across the roof and jumps over the chasm)

Okay, that was ridiculous That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done

“And you invaded Afghanistan.” 

(Giggles)

“Mrs Hudson, Dr Watson will take the room upstairs.”

Says who?

“Says the man at the door.”

Angelo has my cane, he says Sherlock texted him

I totally forgot

My leg, there’s no pain in my leg

Good god, there’s not a tremor in my hand

It’s not until after I shoot the cabbie and am officially introduced to Sherlock’s brother that I realise that he was right

I do… did… miss the battlefield

“Dinner?”

Starving!


End file.
